The Dreaded 25 lost mark…

For most, reaching 25 pounds lost is a celebration. For me, it’s a reality check. I haven’t been able to get much beyond this point in any single weight loss attempt since 1999 - when I lost almost 60 pounds, sort of because of Weight Watchers, but mainly because I fell in love that year.

Well, with Wednesday’s WI, I am now at 25.6 down from my highest (known) weight of 411.2 in June of this year. I am, of course, thrilled to hit this milestone… but I’m also apprehensive, especially given the time of year. I’ve had a two-day “break” from it all, and feel more than ready to tackle getting back with it tomorrow. I ate what I wanted, still made some better choices (for example, skim milk, no whip in my peppermint mocha and getting my mom to use reduced fat cheddar and cream of mushroom soup in a beloved casserole) and came out feeling stuffed, but not sick. We took home only enough leftovers for last night’s lighter later dinner (dinner was at lunch time, we knew we’d be peckish), aside from turkey. We finished that today. I had my grandmother’s stuff, and evil Aunt Jane’s pumpkin pie (and can say proudly and truthfully that mine was better, though it needed a bit more cinnamon). I refused her whipped cream and had a shot of Reddi Whip instead (I like it better anyway).

So, yes, I so totally over ate… but there were still small changes that are emotionally big changes. I imagine there will be a time when those changes are even bigger than they were this year.

I feel so confident that I can get through the holiday season with a loss from Wednesday’s weight of 385.6 - even if that loss is only one pound. That’s my goal… to be down enough to have it register. There’s no reason this can’t happen, IF I get right back on track tomorrow and stay on track every day until Christmas. At my first WI of the new year, I want to be 385.1 or less. I want to see a half-pound loss between now and New Year’s, net. I believe I can do it. I feel in control of my eating, maybe for the first time ever, despite the holiday season upon us. I feel in control, but still respect the craziness of this time of year, the social pressure, the unexpected chances to eat things… and I’m prepared to face them, and beat them back. So, I guess, what I’m trying to say, is that I am feeling confident, but not cocky! I’m not going to allow over confidence to sabotage my goals - and I know so well it can. It leads to carelessness, or thoughts of, oh, I don’t need to journal today! I am good! I had a bit of that Wednesday. I realized at dinner I hadn’t journalled at all. My day was good and in control, and that little, evil voice said, eh, you’re good. Why bother?

The voice was right on part A. I had been good. I had made good choices, and was in a good place… but the answer to the second part is simple: because I have to bother. I have to care. If I get sloppy, just for the hell of it, it’s so much easier to blow it, to have the house of cards crash in on me. I’m in control, and it feels wonderful… but it’s sort of like how I feel about driving now. I get over-confident, or forget to think and then panic when something unexpected comes up, and I make stupid, potentially dangerous mistakes (okay, so it only happened once and I’m being overly hard on myself - but the analogy still stands). I can’t forget what I need to do. I need to journal, I need to get on the scale several times a week (but focus on one WI a week) and I need to make sure I remember that 25 pounds isn’t good enough. It’s great, wonderful and marvelous… but there’s more work to do, and I can’t forget that. I also can’t fear it… I’m sure there’s an element of fear, although honestly, I think 25 is the point at which I got bored in the past. I’m approaching this differently this time, so I’ll be less likely to get into that sort of rut… but if I do, I’m hoping an increased level of self-awareness, brought on in part by this blog, will help direct me.

Part of me asks the hard questions… is this really “it”? Have I finally figured it out?

I’m not answering them… the answer is yes, but could be no in a heartbeat… I’ve had “it” figured out before, and lost sight of that. So I’m not going to get caught up in “it”. I’m just going to try to keep going, taking it day by day, week by week, pound by pound… and eventually, I’ll figure out where I want - need - to be, and not just in terms of a number on the scale!